Rare Dolphin

Dereliction of duty

2008-05-01T12:34:00.001-04:00

A) Army deserter turns up in Iraq
B) Mom-to-be charged with DUI
C) 911 dispatcher falls asleep during call

A) is fake.
A pregnant woman in — guess! — Florida was busted for driving drunk (B), and a Memphis 911 dispatcher was busted for falling asleep while responding to a robbery call (C) (Caller: “A guy took my keys from my townhouse…” Operator: “[Snoring]”).

Unpleasant discoveries

2008-04-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

A) Baby found in house riddled with filth
B) Colossal squid has soccer-ball eyes
C) Barbershop fined for hair-covered floor

C) is fake.

A 1-year-old was discovered in a house "not fit for human residence" (A), and an 1,100 pounds squid and has eyes measuring 11 inches across (B).

Dear old golden-rule days

2008-04-25T15:33:00.001-04:00

A) Prank promotes sex, booze after prom
B) School offers class in text-message literature
C) Student 'Twitters' his way out of jail

B) is fake.

A letter distributed to parents at an Oregon school encouraged them to supply their kids with drugs and alcohol (A), and a one-word twitter message alerted a student's friends to his arrest in Egypt (C).

Scantily-clad youth

2008-04-24T12:18:00.002-04:00

A) Latest trend for Hollywood kids: "baby thongs"
B) 176-lb beauty squashes stereotypes
C) Boy charged with sharing nude cell pics

A) is fake.
A heavyset young lady is entered in the Miss England beauty pageant (B). Also, kids these days (C).

Career hazards

2008-04-22T14:36:00.001-04:00

A) Falling baby caught by postal worker
B) Pregnant bank teller shot in belly
C) Ad man trapped in office for 48 hours

C) is fake.
A postal worker in Albany caught a baby falling out of a second-story building (A), and a pregnant Indiana bank teller was shot in what officials called "an outrageous act of terrorism."

Water, water everywhere

2008-04-21T13:10:00.000-04:00

A) Man charged in holy-water pool scheme
B) Mystery water springs up in yard
C) Weird fish leave sea, spawn on beach

A) is fake.
A Florida homeowner is baffled by a mysterious hole gushing with water in Florida (B). ("He hopes someone can come out, take a look at it and help him before it gets bigger.") And hot video captures fish spawning en masse(C).

Special or annoying: You be the judge

2008-04-17T14:35:00.002-04:00

A) 26-toilet mansion plans irk neighbors
B) Lover asks 'bus girl' to be his bus wife
C) Man's six-year vacation winds through 147 countries

C) is fake.
A massive Connecticut mansion has the neighborhood in a huff (A), and a Washington man asked his girlfriend -- once just a stranger on the bus -- to marry him via intercom (B). She said yes.

On the road again

2008-04-16T12:24:00.001-04:00

A) TV won't fit so teen rides in trunk
B) Model T crashes at auto show
C) Gator grins from atop back seat of car

B) is fake.

Two people in Tennessee were charged with reckless endangerment for having a teen ride around in the trunk of their Toyota Corolla (A), and a Texas state trooper found an alligator in a burglary suspect's car (C).

There's gotta be a better way

2008-04-15T12:41:00.001-04:00

A) Teens learn construction skills by building principal's house
B) 'Jesus' image creates stir at hospital
C) Love-struck hacker proposes using 'Bejeweled'

A) is fake.
An image of Jesus briefly appeared in a Florida hotel window (B), before, we can assume, moving on to meet his 4 o'clock tortilla appointment. And a New Jersey tech guy proposed to his girlfriend by reprogramming her favorite video game to display a "ring" and a marriage proposal on screen (C). She said yes.

Kitchen confidential

2008-04-14T12:54:00.002-04:00

A) Butter knife pulled from boy's head
B) Man sklorks down 420 oysters, wins
C) Beet sales up, thanks to "The Office"

C) is fake.
A Washington boy is recovering well after a butter knife thrown by an angry classmate (“I could see the handle of the butter knife, sticking out. That’s when I freaked out.”) (A), and a new champion was crowned at the Acme World Oyster Eating contest (B).

Household chores

2008-04-11T12:52:00.001-04:00

A) Bull Mastiff carries out trash for owner
B) World's largest dishwasher can hold 1,000 plates
C) Man wears skirt to mow lawn, breaks law

B) is fake.
A Maryland dog is truly man's best friend (A), and a man who dons a very short skirt before mounting his riding mower is in trouble with the law.

Prepare for global heartwarming

2008-04-10T12:32:00.002-04:00

A) 75-year marriage started with a wrong number
B) Man finds 140k dollars on street, returns it
C) 'Squirrelman' to leave his tree for an RV

A) is fake.
A California man racked up some good karma by returning $140,000 to its rightful owner (B), and a man who has spent two years living in a city-owned tree has struck out on his own (C.

Everyone just calm down

2008-04-09T13:08:00.000-04:00

A) Baby with two faces worshipped as goddess
B) Strip club meetings criticized by women
C) Little Leaguers booed during award ceremony

C) is fake.

An infant girl with two faces -- two mouths, four eyes -- is seen by some Indians as a reincarnation of a Hindu goddess (A). And, for some reason, women are upset that some companies entertain business clients in strip clubs (B).

Wild Turkey tales

2008-04-08T12:45:00.001-04:00

A) Trooper tapes wild turkey brawl
B) Ambassador racks up 500 parking tickets
C) Drunk newlyweds tasered, jailed

B) is fake.
A Maine police officer fails to break up two sparring turkeys (A), and a young California couple start their married life with a tasering and a night in jail (C). No word on the involvement of Wild Turkey.

You can quote me on that.

2008-04-07T13:50:00.001-04:00

A) Neighbors 'outraged' over dog named Fidel
B) Pavarotti 'lip-synched last performance'
C) 'Car', 'bird' nose dive into harbor

A) is fake.
A killjoy conductor revealed that Pavarotti lip-synched his final performance of 'Nessun Dorma' (B), and entertainment-starved Australians gathered to watch decorated vehicles flop into Sydney Harbor (C).

See you Monday!

2008-04-02T17:05:00.001-04:00

Rare Dolphin is on vacation until Monday, April 7. Entertain yourselves with real headlines until then.

Neat tricks

2008-04-01T12:16:00.000-04:00

A) Ballpark of Legos took 7 years to make
B) Twisty gator barrel rolls in cops' lasso
C) Memory champ recites "Harry Potter"

C) is fake.
A replica of Milwaukee's Miller Park includes lights and a retractable roof (A), and, in a story that just might not have made national news if a camera hadn't been present, a Florida alligator rolled around (B).

I've fallen and I can't get up

2008-03-31T12:04:00.003-04:00

A) Avalanche can't stop 91-year-old hiker
B) Dog thrown off overpass by stranger
C) Fireworks fall into Wrestlemania crowd

A) is fake.
A Utah dog (B) was thrown off an overpass (she's recovering well), and fireworks and cables (C rained onto the audience of an Orlando Wrestlemania show (they're recovering well).

Family law

2008-03-28T12:42:00.001-04:00

A) Cops: Mom brought baby to robbery
B) Grandma's Disney trip leads to kidnapping charge
C) Aunt charged in murder too obese for jail

B) is fake.
A young mom toted her baby along on an armed bank robbery (A), and a half-ton woman was charged with murder (C).

A stone's throw

2008-03-27T11:57:00.001-04:00

A) Glenn Beck: $53 trillion asteroid heading our way
B) Police: Girl tried to rob store with rock
C) Sculptor crushed by boulder as he works

C) is fake
Glenn Beck warns of a coming disaster (disappointingly, the asteroid is metaphorical) (A), and a Nashville girl threw a rock at a convenience store clerk and then demanded money (B).

Peril surrounds us

2008-03-26T11:56:00.002-04:00

A) 2-year-old girl falls 45 feet down a well
B) Superman costume can't prevent mugging
C) Man drilling hole with gun kills wife

B) is fake.
Rescuers are attempting to pull Baby Jessica 2.0 from a well in India (A), and a Missouri man accidentally shot his wife while using a gun to drill a hole in their bedroom wall (C).

Bath time

2008-03-25T15:12:00.002-04:00

A) "Sweat cure" is big for asthmatics
B) Salmonella stops town from showering
C) I (heart) mom, newborn kitty's fur says

A) is fake (seriously, don't try it).

A Colorado town can't bathe for a while (B), and an itty-bitty kitty's fur spells out a message of love for its conveniently named mom (C).

Things are looking up

2008-03-24T11:49:00.001-04:00

A) Man declared dead feels 'pretty good'
B) Automotive fuel efficiency suddenly sexy
C) Gruesome murders give town a tourism boost

C) is fake.
An Oklahoma man who was declared brain dead was saved from organ harvesting after he moved his foot and hand (A). And gas-guzzling cars are finally going out of style (B).

Twice bitten, once shy

2008-03-21T12:33:00.002-04:00

A) Rat bites woman on toilet
B) Boy, 3, bitten twice by rattlesnake
C) Man bites dog who attacked wife

"Man bites dog" (C) is fake.

A London woman was bitten by a rat (A), and a Texas boy was bitten by a snake (B).

Man + animal: Eat, pray, love

2008-03-20T12:01:00.001-04:00

A) Woman, 66, nabs chicken store robber
B) Town unveils life-size statue of hero terrier
C) Couple wear sweaters from dead dogs' fur

B) is fake.

An elderly woman wrestled a would-be KFC robber to the ground in Washington (A), and a British couple conjured up a really creepy way of remembering their deceased pets (C).

Personal matters

2008-03-19T11:46:00.002-04:00

A) Denied exit, child uses lunch box as toilet
B) Stripper-turned-mayor keeps on dancing
C) Divorcing man selling 'whole life' on eBay

B) is fake.

An Orlando teacher refused to allow a student to leave the room, and suffered the sad consequences (A), and a heartbroken Australian man is hoping for a fresh start by selling all his worldly possessions (C).

Gone with the wind (special all-video edition)

2008-03-18T13:10:00.001-04:00

A) Horse tries to outrun tornado in Atlanta *Video*
B) Wind crumples building's roof like paper *Video*
C) Flamingos free after storm wrecks cage *Video*

C) is fake.
Caught on tape, however: A horse breaking from its carriage to try to escape Georgia storms (A) and a large roof pulling free from a building in Texas (B).

First, take off your clothes

2008-03-17T12:03:00.002-04:00

A) Family fills pool with orange juice
B) Potty school really gets 'em going
C) Naked man runs amok in grocery store

A) is fake.
Several hospitals around the country are offering toilet training classes (B) for recalcitrant tots. A drunk, naked Pennsylvania man went wild with a forklift in a grocery store (C). (Helpful second headline: "He wasn't wearing clothes.")

Lessons in excess

2008-03-14T12:00:00.005-04:00

A) Hundreds of cats found; woman arrested
B) 450-pound man barred from marathon
C) Girl's fiancé, 22, deemed too old for prom

B) is fake.
A ranch near Pittsburgh was discovered with way too many sick cats (A), and an Illinois high school junior has a fiance with way too many birthdays (C).

Mistakes were made

2008-03-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

A) Obit writer charged with murder
B) Could John Ritter have been saved?
C) Go-cart scalps woman during birthday party

A) is fake.
John Ritter (B) could still be with us now, according to lawyers. A 9-year-old's birthday went horribly wrong (C) for one mom, though at least she lived to tell the tale.

Animal planet

2008-03-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

A) Toddler and puppy wander 80 miles from home
B) Town putting $5 bounty on stray cats
C) Dolphin rescues stranded whales

A) is fake.
An Iowa town is considering a kitty bounty (B). A New Zealand bottlenose (C) herded two pygmy sperm whales around a dangerous sandbar and out to sea. (Phew!)

Women's work

2008-03-11T17:35:00.000-04:00

A) Woman faces fine for pink poodle
B) Woman orders coffee, gets barista's kidney
C) Woman smashes world hula-hooping record

C) is fake
A Denver woman dyed her dog (A) with beet juice and Kool-aid to raise awareness for breast cancer, and a generous Starbucks employee (B) donated a kidney to a longtime customer.

There oughta be a law

2008-03-10T13:59:00.000-04:00

A) For this couple, 10th marriage is the charm
B) KKK vendor fights to sell his racist goods
C) Law to make tongue kissing minors a sex offense

A) is fake.
The Redneck Shop (B) in Laurens, South Carolina, is under threat of lawsuit for selling KKK robes and other supremacist must-haves. And, somewhat creepily, Virginia state legislators passed a law regarding pre-teen French-kissing habits (C).

Man + Machine = Mixed Results

2008-03-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

A) BBQ-turned-'Robocop' chases off bums
B) Pen factory opens in old pencil-factory site
C) Mom who power-washed tot turns self in

B) is fake.
There is a "barbecue smoker mounted on a three-wheeled scooter, and armed with an infrared camera, spotlight, loudspeaker and aluminum water cannon that shoots a stream of icy water about 20 feet" (A) in Atlanta, and an unwise Orlando mom (C) sprayed her poor kid at the car wash, yeah.

It's a numbers game

2008-03-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

A) 8% of Americans can't identify Lincoln
B) $6 million diamond is size of strawberry
C) 4-year-old drunk at school

A) is fake.
The fruit-size diamond (B) is real, and so is the tipsy tot (C).

That Seems Somehow Wrong edition

2008-03-05T20:54:00.000-05:00

A) Model sues mom over jeans
B) Woman gives birth to identical in-vitro triplets
C) Pet rat's artwork sells for more than $3500

A) is fake
The babies (B) were born ; the rat (C) is an artist.

When Pigs Fly edition

2008-03-03T15:46:00.000-05:00

A) Soap fans: We want more of gay story
B) Clinton relaxes with beer, Ted Danson
C) Chess Grandmaster prefers Scrabble

C) is fake.
Soap fans (A) love the gays, and Hillary (B) loves Ted Danson.

You shouldn't be eating Gorton's anyway

2008-03-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

A) "Look Who's Talking" baby is all grown up
B) Dog or robot chases loneliness away
C) Pills found in fish prompt Gorton's recall

A) is fake.
Dogs and robots (B) do make good companions, and a woman in New Freedom, PA, found pills (C) in her frozen fish.

John Ritter's mom was at least 30 inches tall

2008-02-29T15:51:00.000-05:00

A) 28-inch-tall mom gives birth to 18-inch baby
B) Scientists: Monkeys tired of bananas
C) Jury hears John Ritter's final message

The answer:
B) is fake.
The tiny mom (A) had a not-much-tinier baby, and the jury did listen to John Ritter (C).

Special poop edition!

2008-02-28T16:00:00.000-05:00

A) Junior high class prez expelled for saying "crap"
B) House full of feces, filth may be leveled
C) Newborn falls through train toilet onto tracks

The answer:
A) is fake.
That feces house may in fact be leveled. Miraculously, on every level, the baby is real real — and alive!

But could the snake eat the bear?

2008-02-27T16:07:00.000-05:00

A) Snake eats family dog as kids watch
B) Bear fends off honey thief
C) Teacher, on tape, rails at "stupid" 5-year-old

The answer:
B) is fake.
The snake (A) ate the dog, "in front of horrified children in the Australian tropics." The teacher (C) called the kids stupid-heads.